Journal of Financial Planning: August 2024
NOTE: Please be aware that the audio version, created with Amazon Polly, may contain mispronunciations.
DonJay Rice is a wealth coach focusing his practice on helping clients when their relationship with money is impacted by grief and trauma. Prior to being a coach, he was a financial adviser for 28 years. He is a Board-Certified Life Coach, Certified Enneagram Coach, and is currently pursuing a graduate certificate from Creighton University in financial psychology and behavioral finance. His website is www.drumbeatofwealth.com.
Wayne Gretsky was once asked how he excelled at hockey. His reply: “I skate to where the puck is going to be, not where it has been.” Financial planners who are exceptional at what they do model this quote well. Being exceptional means going beyond what has traditionally been acceptable, for example, obtaining a CFP® designation. Also being exceptional means building a team outside of their practice, usually a CPA and estate attorney, to refer clients to and who will also refer clients to them. Exceptional planners may also work hard to become an expert in a particular area such as the rules surrounding IRAs or charitable giving strategies. The focus has centered on building a practice on financial knowledge and a team of knowledge experts in related fields. But today, the traditional arena of knowledge is where the puck has been.
While planners have been working hard to build knowledge, another entity has been working even harder and faster: technology, mainly AI. Artificial intelligence has scored very well when given the bar exam for law and the SAT exam (Varanasi 2023). It’s only a matter of time until planners have a program that will ask investors all the questions needed to then have AI quickly deliver the client a recommended portfolio and financial plan. And what about the planner’s referrals from CPAs? Technology has been hard at work there also, causing the referrals to shrink. In the mid-1990s, online tax software came onto the scene. The software programs were clunky and very few Americans used the service, but that’s not the case today. An estimated 46 percent of all Americans use do-it-yourself tools to file their taxes; that is an increase from 35 percent a decade earlier (Ford and Steverman 2023). With the Inflation Reduction Act, the Internal Revenue Service has been commissioned to investigate if it can build an online system where taxpayers can file their returns for free (Ford and Steverman 2023). Don’t be surprised when AI enters the scene to help with the more complex tax returns.
As is common with business—the thing that helped financial planners become exceptional isn’t the thing that will keep them exceptional. AI may seem to some planners like a knight dressed in armor and unable to be defeated. But planners need to focus on the weak spot for AI, the chink in the armor. Planners need to go for the heart. Every client at some point will experience a heart that is damaged or broken. A heart of grief.
For investors, many grief events are tied to money, a death, divorce, or job termination. The financial adviser’s practice is surrounded by clients in grief. But how many advisers are paying attention to this? Probably very few. The adviser who focuses on these sensitive matters of the heart will build a business that AI will struggle to replicate. AI will never be able to sit with a grieving client and know when to offer a tissue, know when to nudge a client toward a new direction.
Most advisers got into the business because they wanted to help others. With that in mind, consider this: In a Sue Ryder opinion poll, over 2,000 people responded about supporting someone in grief. Over half said they were fearful of saying the wrong thing to someone in grief, half said they didn’t know what support to provide, and 25 percent said they would avoid talking to someone in grief (Selman 2021). Clients in grief are in desperate need of the adviser’s help. They feel ignored, judged, misunderstood, and alone (Selman 2021).
Matters of the heart, grief in this case, can be tricky. It isn’t simply memorizing a few trite phrases to say when clients experience loss. It involves several skills as well as developing a team of heart experts that planners can refer clients to, mainly a financial coach and a therapist.
Getting good at grief is still about knowledge, but not in facts, figures, and memorizing rules and laws. The new knowledge an adviser needs to obtain is how to interact effectively with those in grief. But before working with a client on their heart, the adviser must first work on their own heart, conditioning the heart muscle for the work it is about to do.
Tips for Conditioning
Learn What Grief Is and What Those in Grief Want
Grief is the recognition and reaction to loss in one’s life. Grief is unique to each individual and each loss. No one grieves the same way, and an individual may grieve two different events of loss in polar opposite ways (Harris 2009). Grief isn’t only a response to death. Grief can result from divorce, a disability, job termination, an estranged parent or child, and even “happy” events such as retirement or children graduating high school (James and Friedman 2009).
There are no rules when it comes to grief. Grief can be small or large, for a short or long period. There are no absolutes to grief, no instruction manual for how one should grieve or hierarchy or levels as to what type of loss should be grieved more (Madigan and O’Malley 2017). Although there are no rules, Western society has placed several unwritten rules on the process of grief. Some clients may even feel society has told them they don’t have a right to grieve. This results in clients feeling guilt and shame (Rosbrow 2019).
Consider this true story: A middle-aged woman was in deep grief for a prolonged period because her pet died. She was judged by others for being too sentimental. She was told by several people that it was just a pet and that she should “get over it and get on with her life.” But what few knew was she acquired the pet when her spouse died. It became the way she coped as a widow. The pet dying was as if her husband had died all over again.
Some clients will cry, and others won’t. Some will want to attend a support group while others will want one-on-one discussions. Some clients will want the financial planner to provide a to-do list while others will want the planner to simply sit with them (Schulaka 2017). Many clients may want the planner to name the loss for what it is. For example, if it’s death, the planner should say “death,” not “passed away” or “is no longer with us.” The same applies for divorce, job termination, etc. If the grief involves a deceased person, mention the person by name. Instead of saying “your spouse” or “your son,” call them by their actual name. Most people in grief like being asked to share stories of their loved one. They want to know their loved one isn’t forgotten (Florian 2017).
Understanding grief and loss will require some reading. Getting Grief Right by Patrick O’Malley, It’s OK that You’re Not OK by Megan Devine, and A Friend Indeed by Amy Florian are great places to start.
Become OK with the Unknown
This can be difficult for financial advisers. Financial planning is a world of numbers, calculations, and laws. It’s a profession where if one follows the principles of investing over time, they can count on a portfolio with reasonable certainty. Financial planning is mostly a world of questions with answers. But when it comes to grief and loss, there can be so many questions that don’t have answers (Florian 2017). The adviser must get comfortable with the response of, “I don’t know and I’m not sure there’s an absolute answer.” A way advisers can condition themselves in this area is when clients every January ask, “What will the stock market return for the year?” Advisers can stop giving a long technical answer and be honest: “I don’t know and neither does anyone else.”
Develop a Heart of Caring
For some planners, caring is as easy as breathing, but others must work at it. It isn’t that they don’t care, but there are other preconceptions, distractions, and motivations inside of them that cause a struggle. For those planners, consider volunteering at food banks, homeless shelters, or the Special Olympics and learn the stories of the patrons. Why these places? Because the planner is training their mind and their heart to see life differently. To understand others who are not like themselves. By serving people who will probably never be a client that will rank in the planner’s top 10 of AUM and training the heart to serve for the sole reason of serving others, giving to those who seem to have nothing to give back, planners will hone the skill of compassion and see life from a different perspective.
Be Vulnerable
For most people vulnerability is scary. Sharing an innermost part takes courage. Advisers must realize that for the person in grief, if the adviser doesn’t share, the client won’t share (Schoeff Jr. 2023). Picture this: When the client with grief shows up for their appointment, an adviser offers that the client can talk with them about the tough stuff they are wrestling with. But the client instead clams up and says nothing. Why is this? Well, it very well could be because the adviser hasn’t shared in the past. Vulnerability isn’t like a hat that one can decide to put on when the person in grief walks into the adviser’s office and take off once they leave. Vulnerability must be woven into the fabric of an adviser’s being. Think of grief like a concert. Only those who pay the price of admission can be a part of the concert. The adviser who has mastered vulnerability has paid the price for admission and is allowed by the client to be with them on the grief journey.
But to have a relationship of vulnerability with clients, someone must share first, and that someone needs to be the adviser. Showing vulnerability is something that happens over time and it’s genuine. One cannot make vulnerability into a script. When being vulnerable, the adviser doesn’t need to drown the client with their life story. It may be as simple as the client asking the adviser, “How was your weekend?” and the adviser honestly responding, “My daughter went off to college this weekend and although I was so proud of her and excited for her, it was still a tough day, saying goodbye, letting go.”
Master Empathy
Empathy is seeing things from another person’s perspective, understanding and being aware of another person’s situation and emotions, but not taking on their emotions. Taking on another person’s emotions will result in a state of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. The financial planner needs to be empathetic from a viewpoint of concern, wanting to understand in order to help, but realizing this is not theirs to own or to “fix” (Reid 2023; Zaki 2024).
Developing empathy will take time. A financial planner should carve out some time each week to think about their clients, to focus on what it means to be them at this stage of their life and become curious and imagine what someone might be thinking or feeling (Algoe, Lillenfeld, and Murphy 2022). For example, the planner has a young widow client whose spouse recently died on their remote farm. The planner could contemplate these thoughts: Does she now feel isolated living so far away from everyone? Does she feel overwhelmed with not only the “normal” activities surrounding a death, but also trying to run a farm alone? What is her support system? What do the evenings, when life slows down, look like for her? Here the planner should try to think without drawing conclusions and saying, “It must be exactly this way.” They should approach it saying, “I wonder if she is feeling isolated, overwhelmed, under-supported?”
When working with others, planners should ask open-ended questions frequently to develop deeper understanding. Keep in mind not only the questions, but also the way they are asked and one’s body language to show they are sincerely interested in the client’s well-being, and not the planner’s own interests, wants, or needs (Algoe, Lillenfeld, and Murphy 2022).
Learn How to ‘Hold Space’
According to Heather Plett, holding space is “being willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on, without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome” (Plett 2015). Holding space involves empathy, but it centers on being nonjudgmental and not trying to fix a problem. Holding space creates an environment where the client feels safe to express themselves (Epstein 2023). For a person in grief, their world is turned upside down. On the outside, they may appear as if they have it all together, but inside is turmoil and self-doubt: “Everything I say sounds dumb. I can’t do anything right. I don’t have any idea what I’m doing.”
Role playing with another colleague is valuable here to practice not interrupting, resisting the urge to jump in and try to fix the problem, and resisting the urge to judge. An adviser’s volunteer work from earlier can help train them to not go into “judger” mode. A great tool for keeping the adviser from moving into judger mode is a process psychologists call “thought stopping” (Sutton 2024). One can use this statement: “When I notice that I go into judger mode I will tell myself, STOP, STOP, STOP. I will envision a stop sign. Then I will state what is true. That I don’t know all the facts, all the history, and that I am not them, so I should not judge” (Sutton 2024).
Learn About Your Clients
Too often when an adviser tries to comfort those in grief, the adviser acts in a way the adviser would want to be comforted instead of the way the client needs to be comforted. I think of my own family when my mom died. People came to the house after the funeral and brought food. We wound up with three tuna noodle casseroles. Friends who were close to our family knew that we had never eaten a tuna noodle casserole because my brothers and I couldn’t stand the smell of tuna. Later, our father threw out all three casseroles. But if an adviser asks a person in the depths of grief what they need or what foods they like, the adviser will get somewhat of a generic response or an empty stare. That’s understandable. When clients are in grief, their minds are spinning, and the adviser won’t get a well-thought-out response to the questions. With that in mind, the adviser should ask the questions ahead of time. Every year, they can have all their clients update a questionnaire. Advisers should get creative here on what to include, but some things one could ask clients: What is their favorite beverage, snack, restaurant? What is their favorite way to relieve stress, or weekend getaway? What household chores do you not like doing? The adviser is building a file so that when loss and grief happen, they and their team can respond in a way that is tailored to the client: A care package that has the client’s favorite snack and beverage left on the front doorstep, a gift certificate for a stay at a bed and breakfast, or the adviser shows up to mow the lawn. When an adviser has gone the extra mile, this can gain, or help keep, the admission ticket to walk with the client on their grief journey.
Develop an Office Mantra of Caring
The financial adviser will need their entire staff engaged. Developing an office mantra and being brave enough to act upon it every day. The mantra should be a single sentence and elicit action: “I will be a blessing to someone today” or “I will take the time to care and the courage to act.” When staff acts on the mantra, praise and reward should be the same as if they helped the team land a large account, showing staff that the office mantra is more than words on a plaque or Post-it Note. Make the office mantra part of weekly staff meetings and have one person share a story about how they took action to fulfill the mantra. Also, for staff meetings, the entire team should be involved in finding materials and stories to share that are outside of the organization—stories about compassion, courage, and empathy.
Grief and Financial Decisions
Often, a grief event brings about several financial decisions that need to be made. For a client in grief, this is difficult: more decisions, more change, at a time when they don’t want more change. They have had enough change in their life. Therefore, planners encounter great resistance with clients in grief.
Understanding and Embracing Resistance
Recognize and accept resistance as natural. Financial planners have been trained that when they give advice and someone resists, they should assume the need for more education. But in a grief situation, when the planner educates and the client still resists, they need to switch their approach. The client in grief wrestles with confusion, memory loss, and shortened attention spans, and this could go on for years (Devine 2017). Also, they are now being told by friends to not be sad, get past it, and comments that mean well but can be interpreted as pushy and insensitive (James and Friedman 2009). This leads to the grieving client being in resistance mode before they even meet with the planner. The client might have responded well to education before, but now they need a different approach. The planner needs to observe the client for common resistance indicators such as interrupting, arguing, or even becoming completely silent. Watch for nonverbal cues also such as slouching in a chair or having their arms crossed. When this happens, the planner must have the courage to ask, “Let’s do a check-in. How do you feel about what we are doing now?” If the planner has a history of being vulnerable and transparent in front of their client, they will increase the likelihood of getting an honest response to their question. Also, planners need to be aware that when clients willingly accept all their advice but then do none of it, this can be another form of resistance.
Status Quo Bias
When clients are in grief, some clients will agree with their planner to make any changes suggested while others won’t want to change anything. They may see changing the portfolio or the financial plan as another way they are giving up, saying goodbye, or forgetting what or who they lost. They want everything to stay just as it is and maintain the status quo (Pompian 2012). Planners need to be aware of this bias for a client in grief and why it might exist.
Most important, for the planner to help their client, they must not blame the client for resisting. The planner needs to embrace tools and conversations that will help the client.
Techniques to Counter Resistance
Simple reflection is paraphrasing what the client said without adding additional words. The adviser’s voice should not emphasize certain words over others to avoid being interpreted by the client as argumentative or judgmental. An adviser skilled in simple reflection will enable the client to feel heard and understood, while also helping the client better reflect on what they just said (Klontz, Chaffin, and Klontz 2023a). As they listen and reflect, the client’s mind will naturally pick up on where their statement might conflict with other goals, needs, or desires they have. In doing this, the client may engage in dialogue to expand upon the statement in order that the adviser may understand further. For example:
Client: I know I need to update my beneficiaries after my son’s death, but I am not going to do that.
Adviser: After the death of your son, you realize you should update beneficiaries, but you don’t want to make updates.
It’s not always as simple as performing simple reflection; the adviser will need a variety of techniques.
Complex reflection is another tool where the adviser will paraphrase but also add an “educated guess” at the end of their statement (Klontz, Chaffin, and Klontz 2023a). When adding the educated guess, also use the words “it seems” or “it feels” (Raz and Voss 2016). Continuing with the previous example, an adviser might respond so:
Adviser: You realize you need to update beneficiaries, but it feels like it’s too soon to remove your son as beneficiary.
What the adviser is looking for with complex reflection is one of two responses. Response No. 1—“Yes, exactly!” The client may then expand upon that without prompting, or the adviser can elicit a deeper discussion with the prompt, “Tell me more about that.” Response No. 2—“No, that’s not it at all.” Here advisers need to be aware they aren’t trying to come up with the correct answer, just a best guess to get the discussion flowing. A “no” answer from the client isn’t a failure because it aids in discussion and discovery. A client who says, “No, that’s not it” without offering further explanation has still opened the door for the adviser with a great follow-up: “I am sorry, I interpreted that wrong. Please tell me a little more to help me understand better.”
Double-sided reflection is also a great tool in the adviser’s toolbox, since a client in grief can have a lot of inner conflict. Double-sided reflection is useful where there may be mixed feelings or contradictory ideas or motivations (Klontz, Chaffin, and Klontz 2023a).
Adviser: So on the one hand you don’t want to update beneficiaries, but on the other you know it needs to be done.
If the adviser feels they aren’t accurately paraphrasing, they could add to the end of the sentence “Does that sound right?” Here again a “No, that’s not it at all” response isn’t failure by the adviser, it is success in that it opens the door for dialogue and discovery. A “yes” response should be followed up with “Tell me more.” A “no” response can be followed up with “I am sorry. Can you tell me about any conflicting feelings you might be having in this area?” or “Please tell me a little more to help me understand better.” From here the adviser might be able to then talk about the pros and cons of each path the client could choose, the objective being to guide the client in a direction that best fits the client’s needs and goals.
Reframing is another valuable tool. Reframing is looking for how the client is interpreting or viewing a situation and helping them look at it from another perspective. The adviser can keep an open ear to words like “never” and “always” or any other words that suggest an absolute (Klontz, Chaffin, and Klontz 2023a). For the client who is grieving the loss of their job and tells the adviser, “I am never appreciated,” the adviser might be able to help the client recall times they spoke of awards they received in their profession or colleagues who admired their work. Advisers can do this while at the same time not being dismissive of the client’s thoughts or emotions. “It may be true that your current boss didn’t appreciate you, but you’re still a person who is respected and appreciated by others.” If the adviser gets resistance from the client after this, they should back off. The adviser did their job, which was to plant a seed; the job was never to think one could fully change the client’s mind with a single conversation. When resistance occurs in this area, the adviser should make a note of it, and when a future opportunity presents itself, they can offer hope or encouragement in a different way, without reminding the client of the original conversation in this area as that could be taken as preaching and cause more resistance. If the adviser is still encountering a lot of hard absolutes and resistance with the client, a referral to a therapist or financial coach for deeper exploration could be warranted.
Shifting focus is simply what it says: Changing the discussion to something where the adviser and the client can find common ground. “Talking about a change to your investments feels like a lot to consider right now, so let’s talk about _____________ instead.” The adviser should insert in the blank anything they think the client is probably willing to take on; it could include working on a new budget, determining the steps required to process the estate, or even simply getting familiar with the steps required to view their account online. If in doubt, the adviser could give them two topics to choose from (too many can create more confusion for someone in grief and loss) and ask the client to pick the one they would like to work on next. Letting them choose gives the client a sense of control, which can reduce future resistance.
In the personal choice and freedom to choose method, planners first agree with the client, and this may seem like the oddest way to elicit change. “You are right, you have the right to choose that this entire inheritance will be spent by the end of the day on clothing or whatever you like,” and then a long pause, “but I am your adviser, and I care about you, so I would like to take a minute to show you some other options that might work for you. Could we take a moment together to look at these?” Notice here the exaggeration. The client probably doesn’t want to go spend everything by the end of the day. But in exaggeration, the adviser is siding with the client and surrendering complete control to them, even beyond what they may be asking for. This helps the clients feel resistance has left the room. The long pause can also elicit a response that creates a dialogue or allows the client to reflect on exactly what they are asking for or resisting. Then, with a calm, compassionate follow-up question by the adviser, more dialogue can begin. Usually, it is good to remind the client a couple of times during the discussion that they have the freedom to choose or they are in control since it is their money. The adviser does this while at the same time reminding the client they are here to help and that they care about them.
Socratic dialogue and guided discovery involve asking the client questions to help them reach logical conclusions about an issue and its possible consequences. When addressing a client in grief who is excessively spending money, the adviser might begin the conversation by having them talk about their last purchase. “How did it feel when you made the purchase? And what about now? Do you still feel as good as when you made the purchase? Do you feel something different?” The key here is to ask probing, open-ended questions, and with a mind of curiosity as opposed to assuming. These questions can help the client discover their own answer (Klontz, Chaffin, and Klontz 2023a).
Homework Tools
An exceptional adviser always has homework for clients, and there are exercises one can suggest for a client in grief. Homework can help a client reflect and get in better touch with their heart.
Most humans struggle being in touch with their feelings surrounding money, and this is where it would be helpful to suggest to the client journaling about their daily money thoughts and the emotions attached to them. A Money Script Log such as the one developed by Dr. Brad Klontz, Dr. Charles Chaffin, and Dr. Ted Klontz can be helpful. With the Money Script Log, the client can have several entries. In each entry, the client writes down (1) the situation, (2) the script (or what they are/were saying to themselves at that moment), (3) their feeling/emotion and the intensity, and (4) if they had something they did or told themselves (adaptive response) to calm the emotion or help the situation (Klontz, Chaffin, and Klontz 2023b). Referencing a Feelings Wheel while journaling can prove beneficial. In the area of adaptive response, many clients may struggle, and this is where the adviser can help the client with a weekly discussion surrounding their journal entries, or it may be appropriate to refer the client to a financial coach or therapist for deeper discovery.
Other homework tools for clients: practicing mindfulness, breathing exercises, writing a gratitude letter, or daily gratitude journaling. It’s important that an adviser doesn’t suggest tools they haven’t already tried themselves. We all trust the chef who eats their own cooking.
Build the Team
Lastly, the financial planner must have a team of “heart doctors” (financial coach, therapist) in the same manner they have a team of “knowledge doctors” (CPA, attorney). The planner cannot be an expert in all the tools that may be required, and the planner may have time restraints with their other competing job duties. Also, some clients may have more complex needs, requiring several appointments to gently peel back the layers of how money beliefs, personal beliefs, relationships, and their grief have become entangled. This is where a financial coach and/or therapist can be invaluable.
Conclusion
The rapid advances in technology will require financial planners to change. This change will require the learning of new skills, and it will have new challenges, but with this change there will be new rewards to the client and adviser. To the client, a person that they trust who is willing to walk with them on a difficult journey. To the planner, the reward of a closer client bond and a long-term client–planner relationship. Exceptional financial planners know these rewards are not measured by the brain (head) but are instead held inside the heart.
READ NEXT: "To Best Connect with Clients, Connect with Yourself" by Julie Fortin, CFP®, FBS, CEFT, AND Mary Martin, PH.D., February 2023.
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