Journal of Financial Planning: February 2011
Amy Florian is CEO of Corgenius, a company specializing in training financial professionals how to interact with grieving and emotional clients. Her website is www.corgenius.com.
In line with the rest of the population, your clients are aging. You’ve probably helped with many of your clients’ life-transition points: mid-life crisis, empty nest, the shift into retirement. Because of your training and knowledge you feel pretty competent dealing with these transitions. But then it happens—the dreaded phone call informing you of a client’s death. Are you ready to deal with that transition?
Unfortunately, most of us are not taught what to say and do when a death occurs. We stammer and stumble, trying to be comforting but too often failing in the attempt. Close friendships may be able to survive intact despite the awkwardness and missteps, but a client relationship may not.
The reality is that 70 percent of widows switch financial advisers within three years after the husband’s death. When I ask professionals why this happens, they most commonly posit that the adviser did not build a relationship with the wife before the husband died. Before jumping to that conclusion, however, consider the following two scenarios.
Scenario 1. You are a wise financial adviser and you build a relationship with both the husband and wife. When she comes in for the post-funeral appointment, you greet her by offering the same unhelpful platitudes as everyone else before getting down to business. You try to stick to financial discussions and avoid anything that might generate emotions. When she does get weepy, you awkwardly search for something to say, or you say nothing at all. At first, she accepts the reality that your focus is her investments rather than what she is experiencing because she believes that’s all she can expect from someone in your profession. Then her friends tell her about an adviser who is skilled in grief situations and is genuinely supportive. Given the option, why would she stay with you?
Scenario 2. The alternative is that you were an unwise adviser and you have no relationship with the wife. Yet if she comes in for post-funeral appointments and is amazed at how genuinely supportive and comforting you are, if she feels you understand her experience and care about her as a person rather than a number in a portfolio, why would she leave? (And later, to whom will she refer her friends?)
In other words, when you have grief education that equips you to say and do the right things instead of relying on commonly used phrases that offer minimal comfort, you position yourself to keep the clients you have and gain clients from advisers who don’t know any better.
10 Tips for Getting It Right
Let’s cover a few basics of things you should avoid saying and what you can say instead.
- Realize it is not about you. If possible, attend the services. Show you care enough to make the effort. If even thinking about the services gives you a knotted stomach, remember the point is not to fulfill your duty or pay your respects. Instead, you are there simply to help the loved ones remember the person who died and let them know they are not alone. It is not about you; it is about the grieving family.
Unfortunately, most of our commonly used “comfort phrases” put the focus in the wrong place. One example: “I’m so sorry.” This phrase is intended to let grievers know you care. Even when spoken sincerely and with compassion, though, it is only minimally effective. There are several problems with it. If I am the grieving person, I hear hundreds of people tell me they are sorry. After a while, it’s akin to a repetitive conveyor belt and I don’t even hear the words anymore. On a deeper psychological level, when do you usually use the words “I’m so sorry”? Most often you say it to apologize for doing something wrong. Unconsciously, then, the grieving person feels they need to comfort you instead of the other way around.
It also stops the conversation because there is no easy way to reply. And be aware that you risk a more serious negative reaction. Recently a widow told me she was so tired of hearing it that if one more person said he was sorry, she was going to snap back with, “Not half as sorry as I am!”
The same principle applies to the temptation to tell the grieving family how badly you feel, how shocked you are, or anything else about how you are reacting. Instead, talk about their loved one. If you knew the person, tell them memories and stories. If you did not know the person, ask them what they hope people will remember. Tell them you only came because you care about them and you know this loss creates a void in their lives. - Every grief is unique. Grief is affected by the relationship with the deceased person, personality characteristics, religious beliefs, coping mechanisms, support systems, prior experience with loss, and many other factors. Because of this, when a man dies, his widow has a very different experience of grief than his children. Even two widows experience grief differently. Never assume you know what someone is experiencing even if you’ve had a similar loss. Never say, “I know how you feel.” You will alienate them immediately because you are always wrong. Instead say, “I can’t imagine how you feel” or, “Would you like to tell me what you are experiencing right now?”
- Don’t minimize or compare the loss. Avoid saying anything that starts with, “At least …” or that compares their loss to someone else’s greater loss. For example, “At least you still have your children” or, “At least he’s no longer suffering” or, “At least you got to be with her when she died.”
Even in the depth of their grief they are well aware of many things for which they are grateful. They know there are others in worse situations. They are indeed thankful their loved one is no longer suffering. If he died of a lingering illness and they were his caretakers, they are aware they can finally sleep through the night without getting up to give meds or listen for changes in breathing. Many of these things are sustaining them in their grief and helping them keep perspective.
Yet they have lost this most precious person and their lives will never be the same again. If it is a spouse who died, the widow doesn’t know how to play bridge or go dancing alone. If it is a child who died, the parents don’t know what to say when people ask how many children they have. They feel like a very part of their body has been amputated.
In effect, then, they are grateful and devastated at the same time, and need you to allow and validate both sides. Acknowledge this in your own comments, too: “It is a relief that he’s not suffering any more, and yet life will never be the same without him. - There are no time limits. Healing from grief takes a lot of time and a lot of work, and the trajectory for that process will be different for each person. It is normal to go back and forth, up and down, on a roller coaster of emotions for months and even years. It is normal for some people to clean out the closet two weeks after the funeral, while others don’t touch it for six months.
The grieving parties will feel gradually more stable as they continue working through their grief, but there is no “standard” timetable. Unless they exhibit signs of clinical depression—unable to function, get out of bed, or care for themselves—resist the temptation to judge them or enforce some kind of timeline. Instead, tell them you understand that healing takes a long time with lots of ups and downs, but that you will take one step at a time with them and do what you can to make this very difficult process easier. - No explanation of death is satisfactory to a grieving person. It is natural to question why things happen, and each person ultimately comes to an explanation that works for them. Yet any significant loss challenges the foundations of those beliefs, and sometimes throws the grieving person into a tailspin. In the midst of grief, nothing makes sense. The aching “Why?” cannot be answered in any consoling fashion, if at all. It is not helpful if you attempt to make sense out of the loss. They have to live with the question until it gradually transforms from “Why?” into “What now?” Any attempt to rush that process or provide easy answers feels hollow and artificial. Instead of offering explanations, say things like, “We don’t understand why things like this happen” or, “I can see why you would be angry and feel betrayed” or, “Death is not fair or logical, and it’s always too soon when it’s someone you love.”
- Grieving people need permission to talk about their experience in whatever way makes sense to them. At first, you may spend up to 60 percent of your time with the grieving client on non-financial issues. Allow extra time for your appointments so you have plenty of time to talk. Begin every appointment or phone call with open-ended questions, such as, “What have these four weeks been like for you?” “What has annoyed you about the way people act or speak to you?” “In what ways has the reality sunk in and in what ways is it still unreal?”
Then listen intently, nodding your head, asking follow-up questions, and allowing them to say whatever is on their mind. - Don’t expect the grieving person to call you. It is normal for financial professionals to tell their clients to call any time they have a question. That is a good thing, provided you develop a practice of promptly returning their calls. However, it doesn’t work for a grieving person. Too many people say, “Call me any time.” For the most part, they don’t genuinely mean it. Even if the grieving person believes you are sincere, he or she is not going to call you. It takes too much courage to pick up the phone and ask you for something. Instead, every time you talk in person, select a time you will call them. That way they don’t have to work up the energy to call and wonder whether their request is big enough to justify interrupting your day. You can’t imagine what a relief that is.
- Grief is a normal, natural reaction to loss, not a problem to be fixed. We seem to be a nation of “fixers.” And when faced with grief we are so uncomfortable that we have a natural urge to “fix it” or “make it better,” to cheer up grieving persons or help them look at the bright side.
Often our comments are directive in nature, informing grieving persons what they should do, how they should act, or how they should deal with their experience. Instead, reassure them that what they are experiencing is normal for a grieving person. - It is appropriate to share your own grief, as long as the focus stays on the surviving family. If this was a long-term client, you may be shocked and grieving, too. Share this with the family by expressing your sadness, and especially by telling stories and memories that endeared the person to you. Take care, though, to keep the main focus on the family. They should not get the impression that they have to comfort or take care of you. They need to know that, because of your close relationship, you will be there for them.
- People long to know their loved one made a difference and will be remembered. There is an African tribal saying: “No one is truly dead until there is no one left alive who speaks their name or tells their story.” One of my greatest comforts after a death is hearing stories and memories about the one who died. I want to know my beloved touched other people and made an impact on others. Yet all too often, people talk about anything and anyone except the person who died. They avoid saying the name for fear they will make the griever cry. But then the griever gets the impression that no one else cares, no one else feels the void, and they are alone in their sorrow. So send cards, notes, or even a small gift on a regular basis. That way, they know you realize their grief is ongoing, and they know that someone else remembers and cares.
That dreaded phone call announcing a client’s death is bound to come. You can help prevent panic by keeping these principles and suggestions handy. Practice phrases you wish to incorporate so they become second nature to you. Rise above the crowd as an adviser of wisdom and compassion. If you can do that, you will build loyalty and trust that lasts through generations.